The Dream
I woke with a start, gasping for air, clutching the sheets in my fists. My forehead was covered in beads of sweat, even though the cool breeze from the air conditioner chilled my room. I looked over to other side of the bed, to my wife who was fast asleep. Thankfully I hadn't woken her up.
I had never let her know about my constant nightmares. Always the same.I closed my eyes and tried to calm myself, but instead caught glimpses of my nightmare. I am a little boy and I was seeing my father break down into tears.
He had just found out that my mother and six year old sister had had an accident, and had not survived. That was the first and the last time I had ever seen his eyes water. I remember crying but never letting anyone know. I didn't want to seem weak even as a 10 yr old. Ever since then, I had been afraid of commitment, not because I didn't want to be tied down in any relationship, but because I had been scared to loose someone close to me. I and Dad seldom brought up Mum or Emily,my sister, in our conversations. But if we did we weren't able to talk for quite a while, until the heaviness in our chests wore off.
But I had been thinking about it for a couple of weeks, since my own daughter turned six. I never could or wanted to be in my father's position.
After all these years he had grown apart from the world , his extended family and his friends. I was the only one he talked to. He loved visiting especially because of Lily, my daughter. Mostly because she reminds him of Emily and so he loves to see her growing up.
It seems as if my childhood has made me a paranoid, husband and father. Lily is home-schooled and I make sure to keep an eye out for the both her and my wife.
My heart returned to it's normal pace after a few minutes, and I lay down again in my bed. But i guess I wasn't meant to get any sleep tonight. Instead of closing my eyes, I lay there staring at the ceiling. The sound of my wife turning beside me and my daughter's soft breathing in the next room gave me a peace.
That's when I heard something. The sound of shifting feet and murmuring. Without thinking it through I walked out of the room surveying the space in front of my eyes.
At first , I saw nothing but then as my gaze softened I saw a woman's outline leaning over the drawing room window. Her eyes fixated at the round moon. It was a sight that should have scared me , made me shout. But I remained calm, almost as if her being there was a completely normal scenario. She wasn't a woman, I mean, she wasn't human. Her legs seemed to be floating. She seemed to be made of cloud.
I moved closer to her, I wanted to see her face, and somewhere I knew who I would see.It was my Mom's face. She turned around and I saw her loving face and caring eyes. I had longed to see it for a long time. My dreams were never able to capture her perfection. She raised her hand and cupped my cheek. I yearned for her touch, I had missed it. Her smile widened and she managed to make all my worries and sorrows go away. We stayed like that for a few minutes. From behind her, a small baby face peeked in and looked at me with its big blue eyes . I smiled at her with adoration. The baby face came from behind Mum still holding her hand and looked at me with interest. She then held out her tiny little finger searching for my hand. I did not delay any longer and grasped her hand in mine. She looked from me to Mum and smiled. I didn't want to loose this, loose them so I grasped their hands, together tighter, never wanting to let go. Mum seemed to understand my emotions and without opening her mouth reassured me.
All my life I thought as if I had been deprived of a Mother's love, not knowing that I had been receiving it all along. I was afraid I was gonna loose them yet again. "You never will my,son. I and Emily will always be there when you close your eyes.", she seemed to say. It's not the same as when you lived with me, I thought.
"But I reside with you , in your dreams and thoughts, always." she replied.
I fought back my urge to cry.I reached out to Emily and kissed her cheek. I knew it was time for them to go. I left their hands and started back to my room. I turned back and looked at them smiling at me , I smiled back.
I checked on Lily once, and went back to sleep. Lily joined her new school from the next day.
I had never let her know about my constant nightmares. Always the same.I closed my eyes and tried to calm myself, but instead caught glimpses of my nightmare. I am a little boy and I was seeing my father break down into tears.
He had just found out that my mother and six year old sister had had an accident, and had not survived. That was the first and the last time I had ever seen his eyes water. I remember crying but never letting anyone know. I didn't want to seem weak even as a 10 yr old. Ever since then, I had been afraid of commitment, not because I didn't want to be tied down in any relationship, but because I had been scared to loose someone close to me. I and Dad seldom brought up Mum or Emily,my sister, in our conversations. But if we did we weren't able to talk for quite a while, until the heaviness in our chests wore off.
But I had been thinking about it for a couple of weeks, since my own daughter turned six. I never could or wanted to be in my father's position.
After all these years he had grown apart from the world , his extended family and his friends. I was the only one he talked to. He loved visiting especially because of Lily, my daughter. Mostly because she reminds him of Emily and so he loves to see her growing up.
It seems as if my childhood has made me a paranoid, husband and father. Lily is home-schooled and I make sure to keep an eye out for the both her and my wife.
My heart returned to it's normal pace after a few minutes, and I lay down again in my bed. But i guess I wasn't meant to get any sleep tonight. Instead of closing my eyes, I lay there staring at the ceiling. The sound of my wife turning beside me and my daughter's soft breathing in the next room gave me a peace.
That's when I heard something. The sound of shifting feet and murmuring. Without thinking it through I walked out of the room surveying the space in front of my eyes.
At first , I saw nothing but then as my gaze softened I saw a woman's outline leaning over the drawing room window. Her eyes fixated at the round moon. It was a sight that should have scared me , made me shout. But I remained calm, almost as if her being there was a completely normal scenario. She wasn't a woman, I mean, she wasn't human. Her legs seemed to be floating. She seemed to be made of cloud.
I moved closer to her, I wanted to see her face, and somewhere I knew who I would see.It was my Mom's face. She turned around and I saw her loving face and caring eyes. I had longed to see it for a long time. My dreams were never able to capture her perfection. She raised her hand and cupped my cheek. I yearned for her touch, I had missed it. Her smile widened and she managed to make all my worries and sorrows go away. We stayed like that for a few minutes. From behind her, a small baby face peeked in and looked at me with its big blue eyes . I smiled at her with adoration. The baby face came from behind Mum still holding her hand and looked at me with interest. She then held out her tiny little finger searching for my hand. I did not delay any longer and grasped her hand in mine. She looked from me to Mum and smiled. I didn't want to loose this, loose them so I grasped their hands, together tighter, never wanting to let go. Mum seemed to understand my emotions and without opening her mouth reassured me.
All my life I thought as if I had been deprived of a Mother's love, not knowing that I had been receiving it all along. I was afraid I was gonna loose them yet again. "You never will my,son. I and Emily will always be there when you close your eyes.", she seemed to say. It's not the same as when you lived with me, I thought.
"But I reside with you , in your dreams and thoughts, always." she replied.
I fought back my urge to cry.I reached out to Emily and kissed her cheek. I knew it was time for them to go. I left their hands and started back to my room. I turned back and looked at them smiling at me , I smiled back.
I checked on Lily once, and went back to sleep. Lily joined her new school from the next day.
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